A few thoughts...

I sometimes wonder - when I'm alone on a train, or at some place with a melancholic feel, or after having a good time - what might happen if I died there and then. Who would be the first to find me and how would they feel the second they realize that my lack of movement has just made their day a day that they would remember years from that time, as they smoke a cigarette years later reminiscing on their life... I wonder about all the other people who would take no notice of me, going about their daily activities, and those who perhaps did notice me, would they recognize me in the news paper the next day? I suspect not.

And then what of the ones I love? When my parents get the phone call, would they think it a hoax at first? Would my siblings wonder what impact I may have made on their current situation, ten years from now? Many would mourn, for I know and have influences a lot of people. And we've all shared our moments. Even if some didn't seem much at the time, they were perhaps the best... death has a way of sentimentalizing everything I guess...

Perhaps some of my friends would make some kind of memorial for me. Some would claim to have known me, and one or two may get pretty close, but nobody would have really known me. I'd hope that someone would become obsessed with me after my death and seek out everything I'd ever done, and be impressed with all the photos I've taken, things I've written, mixtapes I've burnt, sketches I've drawn, obsessions I've had... someone, even one person, to be a fan of my life...
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Even the term "my life", I find strange because really it's just the time that I've been alloted to live on this planet, and "my life" is simply my perspective of the time I have. So nobody else can ever know the full extent of my life, because only I see through my perspective; all my perceptions of this world .. And just think how many people there are ... all the same.

So I hope that when I inevitably die, whether it be tragic or natural, that I die in a fortunate or wanted situation... I've often thought about suicide, not actually the committing of suicide, but the thought of it, and about setting up clues and hints, leaving a mystery behind for my friends and family to solve once I'm gone. Almost selfishly leaving behind bits of myself, keeping them all clinging onto the idea of my life & being alive...

"Good to know that if ever needed attention all I have to do is die."

How long would it take before people would start to forget me? Before they stop worrying about my life and get back to only thinking about theirs? Who would and who wouldn't really miss me?

And when I do die .. nobody really knows what happens, we all assume the world continues on for we hear about people that die all the time and our lives keep on. But how do I know that when I die everything won't just stop, and go black, back to the way everything once was .. without a single spark... like the end end of my life being the end of everything. Or would the world freeze the moment my soul leaves my body and my minds eye remain? - From that point on determined to explore every inch of the world, just to appreciate the beauty of everything and everyone, from all perspectives and angles, creature and man alike. To see all, with no perception of time, trapped in eternity in order to learn, know, and never complete...

So as I lie here now on my bed with my lamp radiating a soothing warm glow, I ponder all these thoughts that are trapped in my mind. Will I die in my sleep tonight and be forever in a dream? Or will I wake up tomorrow ... for just another day...